Having it all...

Though I know I need to write about how wonderful Ava's 1st birthday party was and what color frosting was inside her cake and so many other things (and I will)... today I feel compelled to write about something different, but ...connected.

I stumbled upon THIS POST tonight and the tears fell as I read it.  Read it.

I have thought so often as I got married a little "older" and my husband is already a little "older" about how my biggest fear right now is that the years would fly by too fast after finally being given such a gift. 

 

I pray so often begging Jesus not to take any of it from me "too soon" and to let me cherish every moment with my family.

As I read this I thought about how many other's beautiful children I have been given to watch over these past years and how I have felt utterly priveledged to be entrusted with such gifts.

 

I know so many of these parents don't have the choice to spend their days with their children and honestly wish they could, but can't for one reason or another... but some do have a choice and I've always felt terribly saddened that they perhaps didn't realize that in their search to "have it all" they were missing out on the biggest part.  The most precious part.  So while I had them in my care for a little while, I tried to carry out my "job" (if it could even be called that) with joy (and this was easy) and know that I only had a short time with them (that was hard).  I wanted them not only to "learn" and "be challenged" but to KNOW , really know, that they were loved and beautiful and handsome and important and special.  It didn't really matter to me if they learned all that I had to teach them in the ways of academics.  I hoped that no matter what happened in their lives and no matter how they were treated or who they came across or what their experience was, if they could look back and say, "ONCE in my life, once I really knew I was loved... I was loved and special and important" my job had been done.  Hopefully they will have many people to feel that way about, especially their parents, but I felt the only one I had control over was me.

In the beginning of my "career" as I tried to juggle all the hidden responsibilities that came with my job and the endless hours that went in behind the scenes and the struggle to try to please everyone and still find time to spend with the children,

I made a decision early on to "put people before papers" and realized that even if I didn't make everyone else happy, Jesus knew who was my first priority and even if everyone else was upset, HE was pleased with me... and that's all that mattered.  Well, not ALL that mattered.  The smiles on the children's faces mattered, and their stories mattered, and their paintings and pictures mattered, and thier questions mattered, and their tears mattered and their need for one more hug or kiss mattered... THEY mattered.  And in return they got me to slow down and notice so much that I would have missed over those seasons... and as I was teaching them, they were teaching ME.

I think over the years, I was being "trained" by them. I realized after "giving them up" at the end of each day and the end of each year and watching them spread their wings and fly away over and over and over again hundreds of times, set me up to be a parent in a different way than perhaps others enter into it without that experience. 

I already KNEW how fast it went.  And that was impressed upon my heart even before my 1st child was born.... and it's still there.  I think that's why when she cries and I'm so tired and I've gotten up four or five times in the last hour to rock her again because she's teething or her belly hurts or she's sick or she just needs to know I'm there... I don't mind doing it.  I don't feel irritated.  I don't mind stopping whatever I'm doing and watching her fall back to sleep, secure and knowing all her needs are taken care of... and she's safe... and she's mine (for now).  But I KNOW that she's really not mine... she's HIS and it's my job to get her back to Him... that's my job now.  And I can only rock her for a little while...

But He loves me SO much that he's shared her with me for this brief time.

And the last year has been filled with the joy of this gift in so many ways.  I don't have to give her away at the end of the day and because of her father, I can stay home with her.  I am so grateful to have this time.  I cannot express to you how grateful, but sometimes when I'm rocking her ...I cry from gratitude.

I think of Mary and how she must have felt during those 30 years that Jesus was "just hers" so to speak... and how she knew every moment that he wasn't all hers.  He was meant for all of us and she was raising him up ...to give him away.

And here in my 21st week of pregnancy (more than halfway there), I find myself "full" again... and pondering on the meaning of being a mother.  How we are meant to "empty" ourselves over and over again in this tremendously sacrificial way in order to be able to be "filled" again.  That's HOW we are filled... It's an amazing mystery... and each time we are emptied we give some of ourselves away... and yet, find something more of ourselves as well... and there is part of us that grows that will never end.  We have delivered life.

I feel so privledged to be a mother and to not want more than this right now.  I don't feel the need to be seeking to "have it all"... because I feel as though I already have it.